then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
