i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
