youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
