My room smells like vodka and shame
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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