I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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