I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
