the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Mom said you looked used
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
