Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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