I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
