I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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