I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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