I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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