I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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