o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
