i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
