U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
