I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
