Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize