I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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