I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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