Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
