if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
