T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
