I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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