I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
