Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
