Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
