Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
