What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
