I think I won the penis lottery.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
