You're my little dorito
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
