I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
