I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
