I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This couple is walking their pig around campus
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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