WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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