i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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