i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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