when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize