she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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