I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize