I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
