If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
