I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
