Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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