i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
