Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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