I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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