Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
