He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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