I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
