Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
