I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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