I hate all girls vehemently.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
