I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
