oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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