I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
