there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
