if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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