I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
