It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
