the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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