i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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