Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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