Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
